Today was hard. I hated every minute of this morning! People are always saying how strong we are and it makes me want to roll my eyes and laugh. When your child has cancer you don’t have an option. You can’t curl up in a ball and cry because it’s too hard even though that is the thing you want to do more than anything.
We are in our final days of radiation treatments. I am so happy that Holden and I will no longer have to get up at 4am every morning I could cry. This has been the hardest phase of Holden’s treatment so far. The whole family is exhausted and burnt out. Holden is currently in a lot of pain, his skin purple and peeling and from the sounds of his cries, internally is probably just as bad. The worst part…I can’t do a thing about it! No matter how much I want to I can’t kiss it and make it better, take his pain away, or take his place. There is no explaining anesthesia to a 2 year old who wakes in the middle of the night thirsty, he just cries and asks why you are being mean to him. Sometimes he looks at me and his eyes ask me why I am allowing them to do this. It is heartbreaking and I feel helpless. Completely helpless.